"Was it room temperature or cold?"
"I uh... room temperature? I just grabbed it from the box and headed out the door."
Apparently this is BAD. Not being economical by providing your own drinks, but chugging warm soda. Soda de-gassifies quicker at room temperature, and all the gas racing around my stomach/esophagus freaks my body out. So it causes esophageal spasms, random clenching of my esophagus - thus explaining the chest tightening and inability to swallow. Good to know. (Please don't try this at home - my chest still hurts from this morning.)
That's what the spasm would look like if you cut me open, which was probably
one of the top five things on the creeper janitor's mind. Yuck.
As for the face-swelling fiasco, he said when I come home for dear brother's graduation, he'll feed me an avocado and see what happens. Cheers?