Thursday, August 9, 2012

Awk Squawk: Backbreaker

The "back"story on my spine (whomp whomp) is that I'm all sort of hideously deformed: legs different lengths, tilted pelvis, two curves of the scoliosis, and my head isn't properly straight on my neck. It's a good thing beauty is only skin deep, because I have one ugly-ass skeletal structure.

This, understandably, used to cause me all sorts of pain. Aches, migraines, wailing and gnashing of teeth - just awful. Dr. Dad does not believe in chiropractors (MDs and Chiros and kind of like werewolves and vampires; they'll never get along and they're always bothered by whiny mopey chicks who want to be saved) but he discovered a new "osteopath" at his work. This osteopath proceeded to work all sort of miracles and actually MOVE MY SKULL AROUND, and I went from a migraine every two weeks to maybe once ever six months.

(We will call him The Spineanator, not to be confused with my beloved keychain Spiney.)

I really like The Spineanator; he's a nice young dude with an office next to Dr. Dad's, very professional, and also saved me from a life of misery and woe. I enjoy some good natured teasing (re: the flipper baby story) which is made more amusing when The Spineanator does not know how to respond to my screwball comments.

For example, a recent session:
[The entire duration of this conversation my neck is either twisted behind my shoulder, or he has me in a headlock and is bending me over a table. Again, super professional, but the must amusing position for Dr. Dad to walk in on.]

Me: So, Spineanator, could you like, break my neck if you wanted to?

The Spineanator: What?

Me: You know, if you wanted to, could you snap my neck right now and paralyze me? Or would that kill me?

S: I would have to have massive arms... like Steven Segal... but I would never do that. That would never happen. You're totally safe right now.

Me: That's not the point. So your arm muscles are strong enough to break my neck? Is it physically possible for you to do it, right now? Just snap it?

S: R. Grace, I would NEVER do that -

Me: Yeah, but I mean, hypothetically...

S: It would be really difficult.... you would have to be in a really weird position...

Me: You mean like right now? My chin is already behind my shoulder, isn't that pretty weird?

S: I don't know / I mean I've never tried / Not that I would ever do anything like that / I would never put you in any position that would endanger you

Me: So... in the movies, like Titus (best Shakespeare adaptation ever, fyi), you couldn't just come up behind me and snap my neck with one arm?

S: No... probably not... I would never try to...

Me: It just seems so easy to break someone's neck... Like when you read in Seventeen -

S: Can't say I've ever read Seventeen....

Me: There's all these stories about girls who get pushed into a pool and they just tap their head on the concrete and BAM - paralyzed right before their wedding. How is that so simple, but you've worked with spines for years and can't just - snap it?

S: Well we're trained to fix spines, not break them... and I guess in that situation it's their whole body weight coming down at an extreme angle on their head, so it's possible.

Me: So if you stood on top of the table and jumped down you could probably do it?

S: I mean, I don't know....


S: I don't know? I would never do that! I'm not going to break your neck.

[enter Dr. Dad]

Dr. Dad: Hey! Can I watch? We're so grateful for you, Spineanator. We had just given up on R. Grace ever not being in pain again until you came along. We thought she was going to suffer forever. What were you guys talking about?


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